Million Dollar Listing
LOCATION,
LOCATION,
LOCATION
"Eccentric is when you’re weird and you have money."
-- Josh Flagg
I’ve always walked around New York City — in Tribeca or Gramercy or the Upper East Side — and wondered what those amazing brownstones look like inside. Along came Million Dollar Listing and now I can be a creeper from the comfort of my own home!
It all began with LA with agents Madison and Chad, then a couple of Joshes came on the market along with the Brits and a bunch of forgettable others. Hands-down, real estate savant and Beverly Hills superagent, Josh Flagg is the best part of that whole show.
New York City was introduced to the phenomenons that are Fredrik Eklund & Ryan Serhant (also Michael Lorber, whos dad runs Douglas Elliman — a one-season wonder, we all knew he was too sweet to survive). I usually don’t love characters that come into a show late, but in NY, Steve Gold strutted on to season 6 as a very charming exception to that rule.
Bravo also launched San Francisco and Miami to capitalize on the real estate craze, but quickly foreclosed after one season apiece.
To market these luxury listings, the LA & NY agents spend big bucks to create slick music videos and magazine-worthy brochures, then they throw lavish parties for their fellow brokers in fully-staged homes — all in pursuit of an all-cash offer with a quick close. But since we’ll probably never be able to afford Tony Stark’s $21M cliffside glass mansion in LaJolla (sold by the Altman Brothers in 2019 to Alicia Keys) or a $20M Bond villain penthouse in Manhattan complete with a “sky garage” (sold by Ryan Serhant in 2015), I thought I’d break down the true meaning behind real estate listings that regular people like us might see.
So, the next time you fire up Zillow or VRBO, keep this little guide handy…
REAL ESTATE EUPHEMISMS
Bold design = looks like a funhouse
Close to nightlife = you’ll live above a bar
Close to transportation = a noisy train goes by every 7 minutes
Cozy = small, no closets
Easy access = next to a highway
Enchanting = haunted
Full of character = there’s a toilet in the kitchen
Galley kitchen = your fridge is in the hallway
Great potential = fixer-upper
Ground-level = it’s a basement apartment, hope you like living in a cave!
Home has great bones = wallpaper is peeling, appliances are ancient & might light on fire
Low-maintenance yard = no grass
Mature landscaping = a dead tree might fall on the house
Meticulously maintained = neat but never updated
Motivated seller = needs money and a hug
Needs a little love = it’s a money pit
Old world = just plain old
One-of-a-kind = ugly
Original = NOT neat and never updated
Quaint = tiny and outdated
Rustic = run-down
Total facelift = new paint
Turnkey = the sellers have furniture they don’t want to haul away
Unique design = the current owners have bad taste
Walkable to everything = no parking
Water view = you can catch a glimpse if you stick your head out the window and squint
Will go fast = will not go fast